Scott Pilgrim vs the Fanfic
by StoryBee
Summary: Same story, re-written. Scott Pilgrim's most wildest adventures ever.
1. Vs The Bar

Scott Pilgrim was just walking down the street,  
turning the corner on the snowy day, the chilling weather had overpowered his snow coat and dorky hat to the point where his fingers were numb and his body a chilling feeling. Walking to the curb, he found himself a bar which he presumed to open up. It had been about a week since he started dating Ramona, and left Knives.  
Things were not adding up on his side, as he approached the bar he reached the counter. Digging his hands into his pockets, he put a few spare change onto the counter. "Give me the best ya got"  
Scott pronounced, but the barkeeper had his back turned. "Hey buddy, I said give me the best you got". When the bar tender turned around he smashed the side of Scott's face with a beer bottle,  
glass broke across his face and blood fell from his forehead along his face. Falling onto the floor he looked up to the bartender,  
whoever he was he was not American. But Native Indian. "SCOTT PILGRIM!" he said, "CONSIDER OUR FIGHT-". Feeling his face and the glass piercing his skin he looked ahead himself to the bartender, "Hey hey Hey. Woah. Woah. Slow down. Slow the FUCK down" he said raising his hand in the air. "Who the hell are you?" Scott said. "I am Matthew Patel!" he declared, Scott raised an eyebrow. "Matthew who? And what do you want?". Matthew looked a little nervous, "Didn't you get my e-mail explaining the situation?". Scott clicked his tounge shaking his head, "Wallace uploads gay porn onto the computer.  
It's slow as fuck" Scott explained. Matthew Patel did give a fuck, "Did you say gay?". Suddenly stripping down to nothing but ladies underwear, the man known as Matthew Patel jumped on the counter in high heels. "You don't know. Anything about gay" he said, tapping the counter over and over with his highheels he licked his lips looking towards some of the men in the corridor. "Gays are bad. Their not good. We love sex, we all should" Matthew said, then pulling at the female underwear.  
"Exposure" he whispered towards the crowd, as the bra fell flat on the ground he started shaking his flat chest up and down as if he was a stripper. "Hey Jiggle and Jiggle and Jiggle and Jiggle" Matthew said, out of nowhere about fifty gallons of oil splashed across Matthews body. "The hell? During a performance?"  
he shouted in anger, "WHO?". Scott Pilgrim was holding a beer bottle, with an oil tank which was now empty to his right, he held a lighter in his right hand. "Oil's a bitch" he said,  
then flicking the lighter on he would chuck it towards Matthew Patel.  
"NO NO!" Matthew screamed at the top of his lungs, as the bar exploded he had just reached outside about 3 meters away. He saw Wallace down the street looking as if he was going to the bar,  
"Scott?" he answered. "Yo" Scott pronounced towards Wallace. "You go to gay strip bars?" Wallace questioned him, Scott said "What?" then looking at the sign behind him that said in big black bolded letters "GAY STRIP CLUB". "Aww come on, the fuck" Scott said smashing the beer bottle on the ground. After watching the bar burn and burn,  
finally about $1.25 cents was flinged at him. "That's all he's leaving? Bitch!" Scott said. "Life's a bitch" Wallace said, turning the other direction and leaving. Scott scoffed, as he then saw Ramona down the corner as if she was looking for him.  
"Romona!" Scott shouted towards her with a smile as he started sprinting up to her.


	2. Vs The Marijuana

It had been about three days since the fateful battle, or should I say strip show with Matthew Patel. Scott was snuggled up on Wallace's chair with a blanket enjoying the high temperature and drinking hot cocoa. That was when he got a message from Ramona, 'com out dud'. Scott had to break it down but once he did he was able to accumalate, scratching his chin he then got prepared to leave the house. Wallace woke up, along with Other Scott from their late nigh anal prodding. "Turn off the damned lights" Other scott said. Wallace looked around, "What are we doing Scott?" asked him. "Uh, packing. Ramona wants me to meet her outside" he said finally putting on his boots he ran straight outside and was knocking into Kim. She was totally on her back looking up to Scott who was lying on her only a few inches away, "Scott are you trying to double-date with me?" she said pushing him away. "Double-date? When I have I ever done that?" Scott gestured. Kim pointed over to the chinese girl who was trying to look for a window to their apartment, "Knives?" Kim said. "So what? She's still a whole fan of our band" Scott explained, Kim shrugged. "Hey we actually have a meeting this morning" Kim said, then directing him to where Stephens house was. Once they both arrived their Scott looked bumbed out, and started texting Ramona 'Sowy bby, band prctiec" he said. Ramona replied quickly, 'Fak u, fagit". Scott had a shrug smile, "She totally digs me". Stephen slapped Scott's phone, "Hey dumbass, put on your guitar and sit down" his eye pointed to the chair which Young Niel and Kim were sitting at. "Fine" Scott said pulling on his guitar over his shoulders and then taking a seat. "Alright men, and sexy lady" Stephen said staring at Kim. Kim rolled her eyes, she wasn't amused. "We have a gig tonight" Stephen said, "It's at a local club" he explained. "Tonight? But I was suppose to be on a hot date tonight!" Scott exclaimed. "Hot...Date?" Kim asked, "Yeah my new girlfriend," he said, until everyone started moaning. "Scott you are going to go to hell and burn their for all enternity" Kim said with a sarcastic tone. "How the hell is that even sarcastic?!" Scott shouted, "It's not suppose to be" Kim pronounced smiling towards Scott. "Alright ladies, settle down, let's get in formation" Stephen said, "Niel, you work the speakers" he said directing his attention to Young Niel. He smiled and nodded then went to work the speakers, Stephen picked up his guitar and strapped it along his back. "We all know which song we're playing?" Stephen said. "Yeah, Sure" they answered. Kim raised her drumsticks and began tapping them, "WE ARE CUM MA-MORE" she shouted the bands name, "ONE-TWO-THREE-FOUR" then they picked up the beat. After a rehearsel Stephen nodded and smiled towards the group, "Great job everybody, Niel next time higher the volume" Stephen said. "See you tonight" Stephen said, "Wait, where's this club at?" Scott asked. "Fuckin Leave" Stephen said. "What?" Scott answered. "Fuckin Leave! Now get out of here!" Stephen angered. "WHATS THE CLUB NAME?" Scott said sort of confused. "IT'S FUCKIN LEAVE!" Stephen said, bashing his foot up Scott's ass throwing him into the snow. Young Niel grabbed for his coat and through it out the window towards him landing on him. Landing in the snow, the only words Scott murmered was "Son of a dirty bitch". Then looking over into the window to see a girl who looked sort of like him but had a D Cup so that explains it all. Then she suddenly vanished, "The hell?" Scott said piking uphis coat and dusting himself off. He began to treck home after that, then cutting the corner he noticed his street was cut off for something. Watching it happen, Wallace was their and then two bulky men in nice tuxedos kindly told him to get the fuck out and threw him out of their. "But I love Lucas Lee! I want to have his adopted babies!" Wallace pleaded. "Go fuck yourself kid" one bulky man answered. "Wait Lucas Lee?" a voice cried out. Scott turned around and Ramona was right there! "Oh, what up douche bag" she said eyeing Scott with a stern look. "Oh come on Ramona" Scott said feeling he was about to cry. "Fine," she said. Scott smiled and went up to hug her. Wallace was still asking to go see Lucas Lee, "So what about him?" Scott said. "Oh he's a really great actor and-" Ramona was cut off, "SCOTT PILGRIM?" he shouted. Then all of a sudden a five meter man completely bulky and ripped so hard that his shirt was still edging to rip off of him. "ARE YOU SCOTT PILGRIM?" he shouted looking down on him. Scott wimped out, and a soft "yes" was heard. Then the man began to laugh and chuckle, he then pulled up a fist and punched Scott so hard he lost a tooth and a sort of large amount of blood to the point where he came crashing into the snow. "Lucas!" Ramona shouted. "Fuck off Ramona" Lucas said smacking her face uncouncious. "HEY!" Scott lightened up, "The hell? What a fast recovery..." he said. He then let out a hand to Scott, "Why don't we go get something to smoke? I've been smuggling crack and marijuana for about tweleve years now" he said. "Oh cool, thanks" Scott said, the next thing you know they were in front of the trailer smoking weed. "I'm not sure about this" Scott said. "Trust me bro, it's a cool trip" he said. Then they began to smoke it.

"I CAN SEE THE FLOWERS HUEHUEHUEHUE" Scott outstandingly shouted. Jumping up and down, Lucas then crushed Scott with his weight "BROOOO WE GOTTA GO TO THE CANDY KINGDOM" he said pointing at an old man. "LES A GO!" Scott shouted. They high-fived each other then began to run up to the old man, "hello fellas" he called out in a dying old voice. "LES A GO!" Scott said punching the old man. With his bulky hands, Lucas Lee opened the old man's mouth and stretched it and pulled so hard that the flesh ripped all the way down to the old man's neck. "WOOHOO ME FIRST!" Scott shouted putting his neck into the old mans neck. With blood bleeding all over him, "HEY LET ME GO IN TOO" Lucas exclaimed jumping on top of Scott. "FUCK" Scott shouted. They began to do some loopy bullshit, walking around, groping ass, getting blowjobs. It was so fucked up, and once Scott even almost penetrated Lucas's butthole but noticed that it was a male's so passed on the OFFER. After a while the weed kept running, but their body didn't. Lucas Lee had tripped in a basketball court and his mouth was open during the fall. He lost about six teeths and a large amount of blood, did he take care of it? Hell no. Then the worst happened, they started to RIP their nails off. Yes, I mean fingernails. Grabbed them and peeled them off like a bannana, but in this case it wasn't so fast. Everytime Lucas Lee pulled off his own fingernails he would cry out in pain, until his hands were fingerless he took off his shoes and peeled off off his TOE nails. Scott couldn't even try to pull out one, they were high as fuck walking around. Lucas Lee was completely NAILless, fingers and toes. And worst, he began licking up the blood from his fingers and nails. Then they went gunning, they put on masks like clown masks and robbed multiple banks. In a SINGLE day, the worst thing about it was they lit people on FIRE with flamethrowers. FIRE, they burned and burned. Until they finally reached a skate rally where they were skating naked, and when I say skating I mean they were rubbing their genitals on other people. My mistake haha. When people weren't looking they would grab onto their shoulders and shruggishly rub their balls and maybe even dry humped their backs for awhile. It didn't matter male or woman, then when Lucas was tired from running around he laid on the ground. Perfect timing huh? Scott was trying his new move while high. The T-bag ultra cannon. Up+Down+Up+Down+Up+Down+Up+Down+Up+Down+Up+Down+Up+Down+Up+Down+Up+Down+Up+Down+Up+Down+Up+Down+Up+Down+Up+Down+Up+Down+Up+Down+Up+Down+Up+Down+Up+Down+Up+Down+Up+Down+Up+Down+Up+Down+Up+Down+Up+Down. I hope you got the memo, because when I mean Up+Down I mean he was getting t-bagged hard core. And when I say hard core I mean orally, in the mouth. A connection with his balls. A woman walked up to him, a small slut. "Don't your balls get numb?" she asked with a brazzers tag on her shirt. "They never get numb" he said t-bagging Lucas Lee's corpse which now he had choked on Scott's balls. The camera then zoomed up on scotts eyes, "Never get numb". The next thing you knew, Scott was lying on the snow completely naked with about $2.25 cents. That's about it.


	3. Vs the Gig

After being left naked in the snow, after choking on Scott's testicales Lucas had turned into cash. Scott lying in the snow then smothered to wake up, but instead wake up in subspace. "What the hell?" he said, he woke up in a toilet.  
His subspace was a toliet! He then looked around floating in the water spitting it out, "Bleh! This is disgusting!" Scott said. He then heard an enormous voice, "Man I gotta take a shit"  
in a female tone. Further more he had recongized it, then dropping to sit down from the rear was an a-hole and male genitals. "AAAAAGH!"  
Scott screamed, then suddenly woke up in bed. He looked around, then found out he was wearing someone elses clothes. "OH FUCK YOU PICKACHU!" a voice was heard, he cocked his head to Young Niel playing Pokemon X And Y. "Oh, sup" Niel said. Stephens then stepped into the room, "Scott you're finally awake? God, we're playing tonight y'hear? This is a perfect promotion!" he said in joy. "Promotion?" Scott asked. "Yes! A promotion,  
we're going to up our band. We ar going to get NOTICED" Stephen said. "Who's clothes are these?" Scott asked. "Niels,  
don't worry. We drycleaned em so you won't feel anything sticky"  
he answered. "Oh thank God" Scott said sighing in relief.  
"Aside from the underwear" Stephen said, and Scott soon to realize it. "FUCK!" he shouted. "NIEL!" he said.  
Kim stepped into the room, "Hey guys, we're up". Stephen turned back to Scott, "You alright buddy?". Scott was still a little fazed from the whole dream thing, "I gotta...take a shit" Scott said. Stepping out of the bed, he head to the bathroom. Luckingly no one was in their, clibming onto the tiolet and taking a shit. He unleashed the load, cleaned his asshole then went to wash his hands. A six year old stepped in, "Aw what is that smell?" he said trying to resist it. Scott smiled, "That sir is called a shit bomb" he said, then went to get a towel to clean his hands, "Don't forget" he said smiling proudly.  
The lowly bastard, while he was doing that he was totally unaware that Ramona, his sister Stacey Pilgrim, with her date Jimmy, and not to be rude but Homosexual Wallace, and the stalker Knives Chau. After having a chat with Ramona, she then lightened up to see Wallace.  
"Heyyy Wallace" she said with a small grim smile. "Sup?  
Have you seen your brother lately?" Wallace said looking around.  
"He's performing tonight!" Stacey said putting her tounge out. "Well, you aren't the only one who knows that" Wallace said with a humorous shrug. "Well, are you going to introduce me?" Jimmy said raising an eyebrow. "Oh! This is my new roommate Jimmy!" Stacey said smiling. Wallace looked up to him,  
"Let me ask you this. Does he have big balls or just a long dick?" with a smile. Wallace had his eyes stuck on Jimmy for awhile. "Wallace! I'm not going to let you steal my boyfriend again!" she said poutting her cheeks. Wallace let out a hand,  
"Names Wallace, but you can call me your new roomate" he said. Jimmy had no breath but to shake his hand, Wallace tightened his grip and squeezed his hands for a second. "Bold, I like that" he said with a creepy smile. Stacey slapped Wallace's hand, and pulled Jimmy away still having her cheeks pouted went to find a table. "L i m ng n xianhua hu si!" Knives called out in the traditional chinese language. Ramona eyed her for a second, then just simply walked away. "Hu d o zh li fa ni !" Knives called out to her. Ramona had a seat next to Wallace, where Wallace had a table next to Jimmy and Staceys. They were on the higher floor, and had a better view towards the front stage. "Sooo, you are Knives Chau right?" Ramona asked.  
"Zhunb i zu zh n gen wo ni !" Knives called out trying her pockets as if she was digging for something. "Right..."  
Ramona said fixing her eyes on the stage. Wallace looked over to Knives, "Zh zhen de sh b ol d d fang ma?"  
Wallace answered. "Ni n ng lijie wo ma? Meigu ?" Knives surprisingly said. "I once dated a gay chinese boy. Let's just say, he was small" Wallace said smiling as te waiter had brought his DIET cramberry juice. Ramona sickened then went starring back at the stage. Walking back outside, Scott looked around and went down the corridor to where the band was performing. "Get in gear!"  
Stephen hollowered to Scott. Scott climbed up on stage, then straped on his guitar. Got into position and made a slight easy nod to Stephen. The club manager took the microphone, "Give it up for Cum Mo-More". Kim shoke her head and sighed, then raised her drumsticks and tapped them together. "WE ARE CUM MA-MORE"  
she screamed, then shouted "ONE-TWO-THREE-FOUR". The band started playing, as the tone got louder and louder Stephen then felt the will, "Penis, Cock, put it in the lock. Turn it up, reverse my senses. Teach me, how to drive and I'll let you take a ride. We'll go to. My friends house. Use his bed and stay up late. You, won't feel a thing" he said, then Scott and Kim knew the single and stopped playing. "Except Sexual Numbness!" Stephen hollowered into the air punching his fist through it. Then the band got back on track playing, the night went swiftly, it was not like anything horrible and some shit. Once the band stopped performing,  
they got opened up for another gig but wasn't told when. Scott was in deep thought about the whole subspace sort of thing, then catching up with reality he was sitting on stage as everyone was chatting. He looked up to where Ramona and Knives had sat, but now there was only Jimmy and Wallace totally making out. Scott was thinking his sister did one of those rage-quit things. Scott was resting for awhile until Ramona pulled up, "Sup douchebag?" she asked. "Hey,  
just help me up" he responded, as he let out a hand he was pulled up by her. "Nice song, who thought it up?" Ramona asked. Scott smiled, "I'm glad you asked, I did" he said.  
Pointing a thumb to himself, "We also got a lot of other songs written, and we sometimes do covers" and for the rest of the day they kept on talking. NEVER FORGET the subspace, NEVER FORGET IT.  
Scott didn't, he paid close attention to those around him...Especially Ramona. He had to fight the rest of the X'es. 


	4. Vs the Erotic Reality

"Oh my GOD Scott" Ramona said displeased. "YES, YES, YES, YESSSS!" Scott said holloring into the air. Scott was staying over at Ramona's house for the night and just got into bed while she was changing. "Scott I only took off my jacket" Ramona said sighing. "Oh sorry. I was just..getting ready" Scott said rubbing the back of his head.  
"Yeah ready to get out. You are sleeping on the couch"  
Ramona said pouting her cheeks. "AW COME ON!" Scott replied but yes, he did sleep on the couch but he also had the birds and the bees with himself and soaked it. The next morning there was a complete down pour of rain and Ramona was just standing in front of it through a window. Scott generously woke up and groped both of her breasts from behind her. Ramona quickly reacted, "Scott?".  
Scott then continued to grope her breasts and squeezed her nipples tightly, "Just lean back". Scott then licked the side of her face, and Ramona replied, "Oh Scott please yes". So that morning they decided to do it, and roughly. Ramona was banged up against the wall as hard as possible leaving a dent and a large land full of fertilizer if you get the saying. Scott then woke up from the wet dream he was having only to be sleeping right next to Wallace while having morning wood. "Goddamnit. Again?" Scott said rubbing his eye lids, then there was a ring at his door. "I'll get i- Whatever" Scott said opening the door to Knives Chau.  
"Ch osh ng zhe, ni i wo ma? (Pilgrim do you love me?)"  
Knives said undoing her jacket. It wasn't raining, it was all apart of Scott's wet dream or whatever. Maybe he was in subspace? All he knew is that it was bright, sunny morning. "Knives. Get the fuck off my property" Scott said. "I dumped your sorry ass a long time ago, and the truth is. I never knew a goddamn thing you were saying you little bitch. You fell for my trap, and I totally got a free B. J. if you catch my drift. So buzz off, I gotta take a shower". Unfortunately, Knives had no clue either what Scott was saying. "Suoyi, ni hu h wo yiqi chuq ? (So you will go out with me?)". Scott slamed the door in her face and went to take a shower, to only find two large hairy men sleeping.  
"WALLACE!" Scott said. Wallace slowly woke up, "What you don't like threesomes?". Scott moaned, "Damnit, where else am I going to take a shower now?". Wallace snickered, "Try Kim's". So as oblivious as Scott was he went to Kim's house after escaping through his backdoor. "So remind me why the hell you are in the shower with me" Kim said. Scott answered, "Well this tub is pretty big, and I needed a place to stay". Kim's cheeks blushed, "The thing is you are standing in my spot and using my soap". Scott looked down at the soap he was holding and it was clearly girl's soap and had a few hairs on it, "Goddamnit"  
Scott said turning to Kim who was drenched in the water completely naked and staring at him. "Holy shit..." Scott said. Kim blushed even more, "What the hell dude? I thought you had a girlfriend". Scott quickly lashed at her grabbing her ass cheeks, and licked the side of her neck. "This is what the dream for told" Scott answered. But Kim kneeded him straight into the balls and Scott collapsed and didnt wake up until he was completely nude on the side of a dirty street when Envy Adams came walking by.  
"Scott? Scott Pilgrim?" she said. "Nata-" Scott said but then she almost kicked his junk off. "Don't call me that and jeez as big as I can remember". Scott quickly got up on his knees and slowly crawled away, because today he totally fucked up and if Ramona found out then it would be all over. Envy Adams then layed on his back gripping his horn and started to stroke it, "And still as hard". Scott then screamed,  
"NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!".  
But it did not stop Envy from making him fertilize all over the ground. A couple of straight hours later and Knives came out of nowhere and started deep throating the horn but only to gag in horror. Scott was taken by his brother Lawerence and was put into his car to sleep there. 


End file.
